October 2011
1 post
3 tags
Easy, Sleazy, (Horribly) Beautiful.
Listen up, Beauties, for some hot steamy facts (which is much more appealing than cold hard truth, don’t you think?) Earth girls are easy. There’s a reason there’s a movie about it. Everything in the movies (or on the internet) is true. But really, there’s a reason girls always complain about guys who “just say all the right things to get you in bed.”...
September 2011
1 post
The Game of Life (in which our Horrible Heroine...
Okay, I’m not going to apologize for my absence again.
Look, Beauties, you knew what you were in for when we got together. A leopard can’t change its spots, right? I’ve been telling you from the get-go that I’m completely scatterbrained and suffer from a severe case of relationship ADD and commitment phobia. So why would you think our relationship would be any different?...
August 2011
1 post
A gentleman's agreement. Huzzah!
Bella: Is there wine at your house?
Mom: There's a bottle.
Bella: Can I have it?
Mom: Sure, of course you can have some.
Bella: No. Can I have it? The whole bottle?
Mom: If you can actually drink the whole bottle, you can have the whole bottle.
Bella: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
June 2011
1 post
This "blog" has turned into nothing but a list of...
Bella: I feel so sick.
Mom: Then why are you going to the bar?
Bella: Because I have priorities. Also, this "sickness" is probably just the DTs.
May 2011
6 posts
4 tags
3 tags
My friends like me for me, not because I sing like...
Bella: What time are you going to the bar tonight?
Brian: Not sure, after band practice. You?
Bella: Not sure either. I have to shower. I think there's vodka in my hair.
Brian: I love you.
Bella: I know. How could you not?
My friends know me far too well...
Bella: I got home at 8 AM the morning after my birthday.
Liz: Why, because you're a drunk or a dirty stay out?
Bella: [pause] A little bit of Column A, a little bit of Column B?
One more time...
Effy: Hit me.
Freddie: What?
Effy: Hit me. I'm not afraid anymore. And I just want to feel... something.
What a coincidence, that was my minor as well!
Mary: Nobody knows what anybody minored in in college. Marshall, do you know what I minored in in college?
Marshall: Jagermeister?
Mary: I stand corrected.
5 tags
You don't need yet another blogger telling you... →
Really though, WTF HAS Obama done for you lately? Anything? Wait… what?
April 2011
5 posts
2 tags
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning,...”
– Frank Sinatra
2 tags
“You’re like a little kid and an old lady all rolled into one.”
– Nico’s diagnosis of my various personality disorders.
2 tags
“I Like You So Much Better When You’re...
1 tag
“If the key to forgetting a man is really to wash him right out of your hair,...”
March 2011
7 posts
10 tags
Realizing I have a conscience is like being...
A while back, I went out with a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while, and who was visiting our hometown for the weekend. She brought along a guy friend who ended up expressing interest in me. “Sure, give him my #,” I told my friend. I still, stupidly, try to keep my “What’s the worst that can happen?” attitude around me. Which is odd, because I’m pretty...
3 tags
That's one way to let him down gently.
Meghan: I was on this awful date, but I couldn't figure out how to end it. He wouldn't shut up!
Bella: I hate that.
Meghan: Seriously, I'm just not good at rejecting people.
Bella: Me neither. That's why I give so many blow jobs.
4 tags
“9.) Preparedness is the key to survival in unknown territory.
ie, Get a...”
– Horribella’s Advice for The Children.
Click for more.
Thanks to Nico, for classing it up.
5 tags
SXSW
I’m in Austin for the week for South By Southwest!
If you are too, e-mail me at horribella@thehorriblebeauty.com and let’s get together (yeah, yeah, yeah)!
9 tags
nerdycatlady asked: I still wish we could have gone through the revenge scenario that night. Drink in the face? Me pretending I was his ex and that he gave herpes to? I'm sick of guys thinking they need to paint this story to get in our pants. Honesty is best. Well, now you're working up toward LA and leaving this loser in the dust.
5 tags
Hell Hath No Fury Like Horribella Scourned
Back in October, I stumbled upon a boy who I actually thought I liked. It started out as a hook-up, and I was surprised when (as I told you then) I could actually stand the sound of his voice the next morning. However, pretty quickly, I realized it was not a great situation. Dude was even more hopelessly lost than I am, and he seemed to hate fun. I’m all for being lost, but if you hate fun,...
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February 2011
2 posts
4 tags
Texts from last night, Oscars & Mom edition
Bella: Have you ever seen anyone as high as James Franco?
Mom: No, and that includes the '60s & '70s.
Bella: It's quite remarkable.
Mom: I hope he has staying power.
Bella: That's what she said.
Mom: Huh?
Bella: Never mind.
Please excuse Horribella for her terrible...
January 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Bella: You know the saying. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I'm gonna cut you. With a knife."
Nico: Um, I don't think that's actually the saying.
Bella: Oh. Well, it is now.
1 tag
December 2010
2 posts
The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them. - Albert Einstein
The problems that exist in the world today can usually be solved by the level of drinking that created them. - Horribella
1 tag
Bore-ibella
The other night I woke up in the middle of the night, discombobulated and tangled in blankets. The hum of the humidifier seemed louder than usual. As I struggled to free myself from the knots of the comforter, I realized there was a string or wire of some sort in addition to the fluffy piles of warmth encompassing me. I ran my fingers along the cord, right down into my pajamas. That’s right,...
1 tag
“I wore heels and a thong tonight, and did not remove either before I got home.”
– At 27 years old, I might finally be becoming a lady.
November 2010
6 posts
2 tags
1 tag
“Horribella Is Not Dead.”
– Just sayin’.
Hibernating, maybe, but not dead yet.
Promise.
3 tags
"Bella, when you're in labor, they tell you to...
“But what they don’t tell you is that most women actually DO poop when they’re pushing.”
I was talking to my friend Annie, who was the first of my close friends to have a baby.
“Well, do you feel like a grown up now?”
“No. Not at all.”
So that’s how it starts. We come into the world with our mothers shitting on us, and then… it just...
Life is getting in my way of living.
I’m the first to admit, I’ve been a shitastic writer lately. I don’t have any patience for reading whiny blogs, so I certainly don’t have the patience to write one. But I’ll say that in the past few weeks, a lot has happened. Horribella has been having an epiphany bonanza, and a lot of changes are to come. In addition to real-job nonsense, I had a Horribella style...
October 2010
9 posts
4 tags
Oh, hai, Tumblr Tues.
Bella: I actually sexxed the nosering out of my face last night.
Lola: See, that's why we're friends.
Bella: Because that makes me your hero?
Lola: Because I've totally done that before.
1 tag
“8.) If you can’t be a 10, at least be a 7 who puts out.”
– Horribella’s Advice for The Children
Click for more.
1 tag
One Night Stands Are The New Black
So here’s the thing. Until the vampire, I had been one-night-standless. The closest I’d come is:
Retrosex (sex with an ex)
Facilitating a gay friend’s sexual identity crisis
Fooling around, but not actually sleeping with, random friends or acquaintances
While my choice in partner might have been a bit shaky, the rest was so easy. I don’t mean I was easy, it was easy. It...
3 tags
P.T.S.D.
Bella: I was so unproductive today. I had a mile long list of things to do, but instead I just laid around like I was suffering from Post Traumatic Sex Disorder.
Lola: Well, was it good at least? The sex, I mean.
Bella: Oh god, yes.
Lola: Then I'd consider that a productive day after all.
The Horrible Beauty on Reddit - To love, or not to... →
Apparently my last post stirred up quite a bit of feelings on Reddit.
I’d love it if you beauties would share your thoughts… just click the link above!
1 tag
"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it,...
We were all gathered around the bar after work. I overheard a comment made by one of my girlfriends - the token romantic, the “Charlotte” if you will - “Come on, who DOESN’T want to be in love?”
I jumped from my group within a group conversation to hers. “I don’t.” There was a pause, a moment of stunned silence. “Oh really, Bella, everybody...
1 tag
One of my best friends just got engaged, and has...
Maid of Horror: Can I wear a Bump-It to your wedding?
Bride: Whatever you want. Aside from me, you’re basically the star of the day.
Maid of Horror: I’d like that signed and notarized.
Bride: Deal.
Maid of Horror: So have you started to think about dates yet?
Bride: I’m shooting for 5/5/12.
Maid of Horror: If you get married on Cinco de Mayo, I’m wearing a sombrero.
Bride: That’s what I was thinking. Sombreros and donkeys.
Maid of Horror: Can you please ride down the aisle on a donkey while a mariachi band plays “Here Comes the Bride?”
Bride: That’s the plan.
Maid of Horror: And we’ll drink margaritas ‘til we puke. I’m totally going to puke at your wedding.
Bride: As long as it’s not on me, I’m fine with that.
Maid of Horror: I’ll try to at least make it to the reception and not puke at church. But I make no promises.
September 2010
7 posts
2 tags
Ask me anything. →
Go ahead.
I triple dog dare you.
2 tags
Tramps and Vamps
A few weeks back, I was climbing the walls with energy. Most of my friends and I had Monday off, so I decided Sunday shenanigans were in order. At first, my group text to the girls was met with tepid reactions, but with just a bit of convincing, some of my favorite trouble makers were on board.
We went to a dance night at a local dive bar where a friend was DJing. We got there early to avoid a...
2 tags
“7.) There’s nothing like the cold, cold floor on your drunk, drunk face.”
– Horribella’s Advice for The Children, passed along from my mother in response to me saying I slept on the bathroom floor.
It’s no wonder I turned out so well, huh?
Click here for more wisdom.
3 tags
I'm late. Posting, I mean. ONLY posting.
It was because of labor. Labor DAY I mean.
Sheesh, get your buns out of the oven and your minds out of the gutter. I think there’s been quite enough baby talk on this blog for a while.
The harder I try to stick to a steady schedule of posting for you, the more life seems determined to jump in and complicated things. Isn’t that always the way it goes? Luckily, when my life is filled...
1 tag
“6.) Make-up is a lot easier to remove if you wear it for two days.”
– Horribella’s Advice for The Children
Click for more.