The Horrible Beauty

I don’t have a lot of single girlfriends. Well, I don’t have a lot of girlfriends in general, but I especially don’t have a lot of single ones. So when I meet girls that are in the trenches with me, I love hanging out with them and swapping stories.

I got brunch and caught up this morning with my friend Lizzie. Lizzie and I met at dodgeball and bonded over a love of musicals, beer, inappropriate humor and boys. Like me, she has recently delved into the world of online dating. A few days ago, she went out with a guy who she’d been chatting online with for about a week.

His name was Andrew. From his profile, he seemed to be good looking and well rounded, if a bit nerdy or shy. Lizzie is looking for a relationship more seriously than I am, so the nice guy thing goes a long way with her. She was excited to meet him, although a bit put off that he wanted to go to the movies on her first date. To play devil’s advocate, I said that maybe it was his way of assuring they’d have something to talk about afterward when they went out for drinks. So she put on her game face and accepted the date.

She met him at the theater, after parking in a garage. When he greeted her, she was thrilled to see that he was as good-looking in person as he was in his pictures. Then, he presented her with the following facts:

1) He is a Dungeons & Dragons dungeonmaster.

2) The reason he wanted to go to the movies with her is because none of his friends would go with him because he has a habit of talking through the entire film.

Let’s address this one point at a time:

1) Somebody needs to inform this guy that he is good-looking, and therefore does not need to play D&D.

2) In dating, you hide your flaws until the person is too invested to notice or run away. You’re also supposed to deny these flaws as long as possible.

Lizzie was already invested in at least one date, so like a trooper she waiting in line with Andrew for tickets. He was holding his umbrella, which the guy next to them in line noticed. “Hey man, is that a SWORD?” “No, no, it’s just my umbrella.” Once the bystander turned away, Andrew grinned at Lizzie and held up his umbrella. It indeed was decorated as a sheath, and the handle was a hilt. This dude was just getting better and better.

Throughout the movie - which wasn’t a comedy - Andrew guffawed loudly. Lizzie’s impression sounded vaguely like a choking donkey. When he did suggest going for a drink after the movie, she made up some excuse and took off. I imagine he’ll get out his aggressions over his disappointment during a future LARP session.

When she returned to the garage, she discovered she was overcharged. As she argued with the attendant, she spotted a handsome man having a similar argument. Mid rant, she started demanding some information so she could file a complaint the next day. “I want your name, your name, your name,” she paused and turned to her fellow patron, “And your number.”

They have a date next week. As the song goes, when you get knocked down, get back up again.